DaisyAnkh

daisyankh @ 2009-03-02T22:55:00

2009-03-03T04:21:40Z

I hate coming home.

The place is just bad for me.

The default method of communication is yelling. "COME HERE." "CLOSE THE DOOR." "TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN." "DID YOU TAKE OUT THE TRASH?" "EMPTY THE DISHWASHER." "WHERE'S ROXXY?" The loudness grates on my nerves; I just hate it.

Food revolves around the TV. Don't you dare start a conversation, because mom and dad would much rather be watching the tv than talking with you. At college, we talk and eat - there is no tv to watch in the cafeteria, and I've spent hours there with my friends, just talking.

The living room is really mom's room. She sleeps there, and she watches tv there - God save you if you want to watch anything on that television other than what she wants to watch.

The downstairs is dad's area. He has his tv down there, and he plays his video games there.

My brother and I exist in our own separate rooms.

Nobody knocks - and if they do, it doesn't matter. Either way, they're just going to walk in. It's not like I do anything uber secret in here. I'd lock the door if something was going on I didn't want them to know about, but seriously? Knock and wait a moment . This is my space. At least wait for an answer.

Mom and dad seem incapable of getting their own beverages or foods. Even if I'm in my room, they will call me into the kitchen/dining room/"living room" area so that I can cater to their needs.

Dad has one friend and coworkers, mom has no friends. They don't do anything. They work and come home, and that is their existence. My brother is the same. I have friends, but I hate having them here. I hate it here...I don't want them here. Relatives don't even usually drop by. In short, the house is isolated.

I hate being home. I'm happiest at college.

The space may be small, but it's quiet. I can walk places if I want to go. Friends are more than welcome, and I can visit them. Nobody yells at me. Nobody talks badly about me (that I know of.)

Home makes me depressed and even more self-hating than I typically am - I become emotionally, verbally and sometimes even physically self-abusive. I just want to get the hell out of here. I want to go back to college.

The thought of having to live here over the summer makes me just want to die inside. Maybe I'll try to stay at Lyco for a summer semester.

I get along with everyone. Why don't I get along with my family?

My boyfriend tells me that he loves me because I'm a good, kind person. When I'm home, I can't really believe that. I don't feel like a good or kind person here. I feel stupid, miserable and angry; I don't feel loved. That's why I don't want him to come here - I don't want him to come somewhere I don't like being in the first place. I can imagine taking him to grandma's...but not here.

I don't even think of here as "home" anymore. That's college. This is the place I go that is "away".

I don't even think of my mother as my "mom" anymore, because with all her meds and alcohol...I'm not sure who she is.

I don't know.

There, you've had your emo for the day.

daisyankh @ 2008-12-05T19:03:00

2008-12-06T00:04:42Z

If anyone was wondering....roomie got me a Hethert statuette for Christmas.

:)

daisyankh @ 2008-12-05T12:34:00

2008-12-05T17:35:34Z

I just handed in that huge paper. I'm both relieved and nervous.

Your Thinking Quote For The Day

2008-12-04T17:03:05Z

"it is in ritual - that is, consecrated behavior - that this conviction that religious perceptions are veridical and that religious directives are sound is somehow generated. It is in some sort of ceremonial form - even if that form be hardly more than the recitation of a myth, the consultation of an oracle, or the decoration of a grave - that the moods and motivations which sacred symbols induce in men and the general conceptions of the order of existence which they formulate for men meet and reinforce one another. In a ritual, the world as lived and the world as imagined, fused under the agency of a single set of symbolic forms, turn out to be the same world, producing thus the idiosyncratic transformations in one's sense of reality to which santayana refers in my epigraph. Whatever role divine intervention may or may not play in the creation of faith - and it is not the business of the scientist to pronounce upon such matters one way or the other - it is at least, out of the context of concrete acts of religious observance that religious conviction emerges on the human plane." from Geertz's article, "Religion As a Cultural System"

I love Geertz. :)

daisyankh @ 2008-11-20T18:25:00

2008-11-20T23:26:44Z

Math makes me feel worthless and stupid. Yeah, so it sounds emo...but it's really true. I just want to bash my head against a wall, because I feel like my brains are useless if I just can't seem to get what it is I'm supposed to be getting.

Sigh.

2008-11-11T20:22:59Z

I want to be loved for who I am...not for who he wants me to be.

And he's gotten most of that right, don't get me wrong. He sets a high standard for any guy I will ever date for the rest of my life. For a first boyfriend, he's been absolutely wonderful, and he hasn't done anything wrong, per se: who he is, who he has been brought up to be, religiously-speaking, isn't something he's done wrong.

But he wants me to be Christian, and he wants me to be Orthodox and it hurts, because I am, naturally, neither. My primary attraction to Christianity is cultural - it is familiar and, therefore, it feels very safe. It is not, however, what I am.

What I am is a student of cultural anthropology and (comparative) religion. Most people who study either of these end up Agnostic or, in either case, not a part of any of the Big Three.

My leanings are towards the polytheistic faiths, and, in particular, Kemetic Orthodoxy; I do, however, very much enjoy studying and interacting with members of most of the forms of Paganism.

He has no real appreciation for my love of these religions, and that's what I want - I want someone who loves me, as I am; I want someone who loves me not in spite of, but because of, the things I am passionate about. I want someone who will love me with all my idiosyncrasies.

I hate it that I do not feel free to be myself while I am with him. It seems that I've been willing to sacrifice a part of myself in order to be in this relationship; I don't value that in anyone. I want to feel free to be me again, all of me.

How long will I let this continue? I don't know.

I'm naturally selfish. I want to keep this person, whom I adore, and who seems to adore me, in my life; it's only human to want to love and to want to be loved in return.

I am also afraid of losing a valued friendship, though I feel we are both rational enough individuals to continue the friendship. He said to me once that, failing this relationship, he's found one of the best friends he could ever ask for. What will happen after hurt feelings, however, remains to be seen.

I need to think about how to do this.

Pray for me, please - whomever your Gods are.

Don't Forget To Vote Tomorrow!

2008-11-04T04:24:47Z

Don't forget to vote tomorrow!

Especially you women out there! Our female Akhu (ancestors,) fought for the better part of a century so that they, and all women could have the right to vote. What better way do we have to honor so many of our Akhu, female (and male!), as well as our nation, than to go out tomorrow and make our voices heard?

daisyankh @ 2008-10-08T22:31:00

2008-10-09T02:40:14Z

I found out today that someone I had once considered a friend was talking about me behind my back. It wasn't necessarily a surprise, as she'd not been kind to me, nor spoken to me in months, but it still hurt.

I almost asked what she'd been saying, but I didn't; why should it matter? And it would just hurt more to hear the details, anyways.

I can't control other people, I can't make them be kind. All I can do is be kind towards others, and resolve to work harder to be the best person I can be.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what other people think of me. It matters what I think of me, and I have to live with myself.

daisyankh @ 2008-10-06T12:35:00

2008-10-06T16:36:43Z

First, I think I'm crazy OCD or something. I can't handle a disorganized pile of papers. I have to stack them. Just. Can't. Deal. With. It. For serious.

And also, how come, no matter what I do, I feel like I'm betraying a part of myself? An important part of myself?

Sigh.

Sigh

2008-10-01T02:37:50Z

He wants me to meet his dad and grandma, which I don't mind. But I would meet them at a restaurant...for dinner...which I do mind.

I'm strangely uncomfortable with going out to eat. I don't know why. I hate eating out with friends, with him...I hate it more when people pay for me. And I hate it even more when it's people I don't know that well.

The fact that it's Olive Garden makes it worse - - they serve a *lot* of food. I can't eat it all, but if someone pays for me, I'll feel bad if I don't. And if I do manage to force that amount of pasta into my stomach, I'd feel like a pig.

Food just makes me uncomfortable. I hate it.

I wouldn't mind meeting his dad and grandma somewhere else...where we're not shoving food in our faces.

But how do I tell him that he's dating a paranoid crazy-person?

And I'm not ready to share my more serious issues, the crazy self-hatred that nobody actually sees. So many people seem to think I'm a glowing ball of sunshine, but while they're busy thinking that, I'm probably busy berating myself.

He asks me a lot, "What are you thinking?"

I don't really say anything, but the answer is, "You don't want to know."

Sigh.

Oh Jeez Um

2008-09-25T22:50:11Z

Why do people presume that my relationship is any of their business?

Mike doesn't have to sit with me at every meal; he has his own friends, and I have mine. I don't want him to follow me around like a lost little puppy.

"Where's Mike?" they always ask.

Why do I have to know? He can be where he wants, he can go where he wants. I trust him enough that I don't feel the need to moniter his every move, or even most of his moves - - otherwise, I wouldn't even be in this relationship in the first place.

What I Love About You

2008-09-19T22:27:05Z

Comment here and I will tell you what I love about you.
Repost this to your own journal if you'd like to do the same.

sigh...

2008-09-18T22:05:27Z

The printer in B200 ran out of toner or something; it's no longer "printing" anything but pretty white sheets. Headache.

Hazing is Hazing

2008-09-18T21:47:32Z

On my way over to the Academic Center to do my stats homework, I found some sorority girls hanging a poster about hazing, including, "Lycoming Sororities Against Hazing 2008."

Sororities haze. Period. It's a part of their traditions, and there's nothing, nothing that is going to seperate greek life from its traditions.

I went through 3/4 of a pledge period, and I got fed up with the BS. In short, I realized that I was letting other people decide how I felt about myself. Other than that, I won't say anything, except, of course, fuck them. And I'm glad I bailed.

But those girls are lying. And they know it. The bitchy, vindictive part of me hopes they find themselves unable to sleep at night, because of all the crap they're going to put their pledges through in October.

Something Stupid

2008-09-17T18:35:52Z

I'm doing something stupid. Making a very stupid decision. Foolish. Dumb.

But it makes me oh-so-happy.

No, I'm not going to tell you what it is.

No, it's not illegal.

Becky, you may feel free to smack me upside the head and tell me to stop being a dumbass next time you see me.

Everyone, when I'm done being stupid, I'm going to need you to look beyond the dumbassery and love me and help me pick up the pieces.

Seriously

2008-09-15T16:36:15Z

A girl in my stats class broke down in tears during the test.

The class is, to be blunt, awful. It's a plug-n'-play sort of deal, where you don't actually feel like you're learning anything except how to punch numbers into a calculator. Actually, that's pretty much all we're learning, besides how to make box plots. Somehjow, I feel like it would all make so much more sense if the prof would teach us the why and the reasons behind them...what things actually mean, applications, actual uses for what we're doing.

I believe it was Mr. Miyagi who said, "No such thing as bad student, only bad teacher." While this isn't entirely valid (the student who doesn't study, obviously, isn't a very good student,) there is some truth to it - - if the prof isn't willing to teach the things that help the students...what point is there?

Oh, and tutoring is a joke - - they just give you the answers. Yeah. That's totally helpful.

I Guess...

2008-08-18T11:37:21Z

I guess it's time to really get in shape. My Sensei wants me back in the dojo.

New Goal: Shape up some by December - - get back in the dojo. Start working on second degree black belt. ....GO!

Bookcase and Grandmas

2008-08-17T15:27:53Z

My dad built the bookcase I requested for college, which is actually bigger than I had anticipated. I looked it over and decided that I could very well use about 1/2 of it as shrine space.

The left side will be books, mostly, except for the middle, which I've decided will become a shrine for Hethert. Because I love Her. I don't know if she'll be my Mom. But I love her. And if She's not my Mom, I'm going to call her "Aunt Hethert" and have a space for Her, regardless.

Top right will be a space for my Akhu.

Middle right will be for my Parent(s) and Beloved(s) when I find out who They are.

Books were the original plan for the whole thing, but I like this idea.

My grandma (who already has a whole bunch of paint,) volunteered to help me paint it, so we brought it down to her house, had breakfast and started painting. It isn't finished, but she said she would finish it for me while I'm at work today - - everyone should have such amazing grandmothers. :)

Also, last night, I visited my Great Mommom Florence. How many people can say they have a Great Grandmother? How many people can say they play cards with her and other family members?  I always make sure to take pictures with her, because she's an amazing woman and I want to be just like her when I'm in my 80's.

I feel so utterly blessed to know that woman.

Which Goddess Am I?

2008-08-15T11:19:10Z

Which Egyptian God(dess) Are YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Hethert

You are Hethert (Hathor)! Hethert is THE female goddess of Egypt. She was widely worshiped by women and had a variety of roles for this reason. Primarily, she is the goddess of love, joy, music and dancing. She is sexual and sensual, and is the most light-hearted goddess. While she does have funerary aspects, her roles as mother/musician/dancer/woman are more remembered today. She is depicted as a cow-headed woman, a cow, or a woman wearing cows' horns and the sun disk. Her animal is the cow.

Hethert

75%

Sekhmet

75%

Heru-sa-Aset

70%

Bast

70%

Aset

70%

Amun

60%

Ptah

60%

Djehuty

60%

Nebthet

60%

Wesir

60%

Heru-wer

60%

Set

55%

Nit

55%

Nut

55%

Bes

50%

Wepwawet

50%

Serqet

50%

Yinepu

45%

Seshat

45%

Icons!

2008-08-14T17:38:05Z

Went to a Pagan meeting (won't post the name out of respect,) last night, and decided that while I adore one or two of the people there, I don't really belong. I'll go to a few of the meetings, I'll go to the events, but I won't be a really active member.

But! On a brighter note, I've been messing around with sculpey again, and here's what I came up with this morning:

Yay! Tewaret! :D

It's an *okay* turn-out. I only spent maybe 2 hours on it, and the sculpey's too soft for my tastes (I will be finding Super Sculpey for my future endeavers.)

I, obviously, need a lot more practice. I've never had a pottery/sculpture class in my life (well, one, but we didn't deal with much clay/sculpey, and that was in HS,) so I'm on my own.

Cleaning!

2008-08-13T13:21:17Z

I'm starting to get ready for college, and that means...CLEANING!

I'll admit, I'm no good at that. I'm pretty much a hurricane of messiness, clutter and scattery (it's not a word, but I just made it up - - deal.)

So, today, I plan to at least clean the front of my room. That would mean half of it. if I can do that today, then tomorrow morning into Saturday I can pretty well get the rest of it cleaned up and organized.

Then I plan to pack my bedding up for college (I have a queen at home, so my twin extra-long stuff isn't needed, anyway.)

Then I can start painting my new bookshelf...which is AWESOME! It's foldable, so that I can store books in there for the ride to/from college. I plan to use paper and masking tape to keep the books inside their proper shelves. Having a carpenter for a dad is pretty useful sometimes.

I know I can't cut down on the number of books I bring. The books are pretty much a part of feeling "at home" for me. I just plain feel better having them withm and more always end up finding their way to my dorm throughout the year (How does that happen? Huh.)

And this way I won't have pile upon pile upon pile of books sitting around.

Also, boxes. I need boxes for my art supplies.

Should also buy a foldable table so I have an area to work on my art...you know, so I can store it when I'm done. Otherwise my roommate will probably want to murder me.

anyways...CLEANING

Little Things

2008-08-12T11:23:16Z

Yesterday, a woman was in asking for some meats and cheeses, so I chatted with her for a bit while going about my work.  When I was finished getting her everything she needed, she stopped. She told me that it was nice to see someone smiling and that I'd made her day brighter with my smile and positive attitude.

I didn't really know what to say, so I said "thank you."

She isn't the only person who's commented (I've earned the nickname "sunshine" among my coworkers), but it's always nice to know that people really do appreciate what I do.

Sometimes, it feels like a waste of time and energy, at least it does when I have angry/grumpy customers. But I can't make everyone happy.

Pocket Shrine? For the Akhu?

2008-08-06T16:17:46Z

RPW has a topic going on Pocket Shrines. Apparently they'll be making them during a meeting soon, and this has inspired me!

I have fairly limited space at college, and I don't want anything to stand out too much or be in anyone's face.

A pocket shrine would be a perfect solution to the problem, as I could place it somewhere in my room (likely on my built-in desk bookshelf,) and it wouldn't be particularly "loud."

I love my religion, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to scream it.

So, I need to make a trip to ACMoore and consider supplies.

Okay, Enough Is Enough.

2008-07-31T02:18:25Z

I'm going to suck it up and move on.

That is all.

Sledgehammers Beat Hope, Every Time.

2008-07-27T03:23:08Z

The boy and I talked some more.

He wanted to avoid the question of religion, he being very faithfully EO, and I being Kemetic.

He seemed to think avoiding it would make it go away, but that really wasn't an option. It would just come back to bite us later...hard.  So I pushed it.

He's deeply religious, both in the sense of believing in his God and believing in the doctrines of his church, which I respect. One of the regulations of his denomination has to do with relationships with non-Christians - - i.e. they're strictly not allowed.

I reminded him of his values, of where his loyalties are (and should be,) and informed him that I would remind him of them often, wouldn't let him forget them out of convenience.

I reminded him again that I am not Christian, that I cannot and will not convert for him. He told me he would never force me to, because that's against his beliefs.

And so we agreed that this would never work, no matter how much we both want it, no matter how much we wish we could have it.

Do I think it's the right decision?  Yes.

It saves us both a lot of invested time, energy and emotion. It saves us a heck of a lot of hurt later on should we have continued.

It hurts now. I think it hurt him more, though - - he left our discussion shortly after to go play one of his video games.

We could have had a great relationship, and I know it. I can't help but regret that we didn't even really have a chance to try.

I'm sad, but I recognized the elephant in the room before it could do too much damage. I'm grateful that I had enough situational awareness and foresight to not blind myself with hope and wishful thinking.

I'll leave out all the really mushy girly emotional stuff - - I wouldn't really want to make anyone gag.